SOC344 2020 Tut4 – Friday 12.30pm

Certainly, love as seen a significant change in the way it manifests in society. Prior to the 20th century, love was surrounded by ideas of submission, upholding patriarchal expectations and gender divisions, and dissociated feelings of pleasure and desire from love (Illouz 2012). Love that is favoured and promoted in society is passionate love, which certainly has gendered assumptions surrounding it (Hookway et al. 2019, p. 85). Assumptions about men’s interests during their experiences of love and intimacy sees a disassociation with emotions during relationships (Jamieson 1999, p. 483). This is upheld by societal expectations on masculinity and maintenance of the patriarchy (Jamieson 1999, p. 484). Men’s inerent ‘need’ for sex is more accepted and less suspicious than women’s, shaping the way society accepts men for navigating sex and intimacy more freely than women (Illouz 2012) Therefore, I pose the question is this ‘commitment phobia’ phenomena occurring in men only upholding the assumption that men want sex? Or is it just a manifestation of how society has shifted to being more individualised and people are prioritising their own self-interest?

The dynamics of love have definitely changed from the Victorian Era, especially in regards to rules of courtship, expectations of marriage, factors of a relationship (gender, class, beliefs, etc.). As stated by Giddens (1999), "Personal relationships are key in which men & women find forms of self-exploration & moral construction" thus we see more flexibility in exploring relationships and love before settling down. In Gidden's chapter of 'Love, Commitment and the pure relationship', he states that "in a highly reflexive society [women] come into contact with, and in their television watching and reading actively search out, numerous discussions about sex, relationships and influences affecting the position of women" which highlights that women now are equally (if not more) interested in sex and discovering their sexuality. This has drastically changed the expectations of women, as before women were pressured into settling down quickly because of the preconception that their "biological clock is ticking" whereas men mostly already had the flexibility to explore. Dynamics of love and intimacy also has changed in terms of the acceptance of relationship dynamics that were once taboo such as same-sex couples.

Yes, love has definitely changed. Especially as a female, when I was younger, I always heard about how females always needed a male companion and that it wasn’t right if you didn’t want that or wanted to be with someone of the same sex. Whereas, now I see women have become more independent and don’t rely on the needs of a man or anyone. Love has changed so much, especially now that there are all of these dating apps and sites, love has become so much of seeing someone for their looks and not their personality, love is also a lot about their money and not just who someone is anymore and their morals. I can admit, I too myself base someone on their looks, if they’re clean cut and dress nice, before I even know their personality, then I sometimes want to get to know them. Sex is the main attraction to guys I find nowadays, males don’t want relationships, they don’t want love or somewhat of a relationship and that goes the same for some females too. I think because people have become more independent and the thought of ‘love’ or a ‘relationship’, doesn’t necessarily scares people, but turns people off because they find it could come off as some sort of weakness. #S344UOW20 #Tut4 #Fri1230

Late modernity is a concept that has changed the way we as individuals view love for ourselves and others. Pop culture and social media has allowed the expression of our emotions and to display how we truly feel without the need for face to face confrontation. In the text 'Love and intimacy' by Marsden, D and Duncombe, G they explore the ideologies of heterosexual normativity and how this has changed with homosexual, interracial and non specific gendered relationships. Socially regulated emotions and gender divisions have been apart of society since the beginning of time and haven't necessarily stopped in todays climate. It is explored that both men and women can be susceptible to regulated emotions and gender roles are starting to change and not be the norm. Many things can impact a relationship including financial management and the labour and informal care although for some the downfall of their relationships may be more but for others it is the sheer lack of emotional intelligence and the neglection of emotion. #S344UOW20 #Tut4 #Fri1230

Love has certainly changed, at least in the sense of companionate love, however Jamieson (1999) would argue that the change is far less recent than Giddens is portraying. I would agree, we have a sense that the way we form and hold friendships has been around for as long as we are able to remember and this points to the fact that it can’t be all that recent. However where does the notion of friends with benefits come in? It is a sexual relationship but not one of romantic love, does this fall within passionate love or companionate? One could argue it doesn’t fall under the label of love at all, but this would almost certainly depend on each instance of sex outside the romantic relationship. If ‘the pure relationship’ exists only for the rewards of that relationship and the trust that comes about through mutual disclosure (Giddens 1991), is it possible to have a ‘pure relationship’ between two people who are not in love?.

Jamieson’s article (1999, p. 184) discusses the differences between women and men in relationships, and how adults and younger people perceive sex and intimacy. Whilst I do agree that in the past women were situated doing housework and men would be off working and earning money, it has changed quite a lot in the 20th century. Jamieson refers to the concepts that mutual disclosure is seen as a pure relationship, to have an agreed understanding of the intimacy and love each partner requires from one another. In saying that I do believe to a certain extent that women find intimacy more essential in a relationship and men find sex more important in a relationship. This stereotype has changed in modern times but as Jamieson pointed out, men gain more pleasure from sex, whereas women find an emotional element that they pleasure from a relationship. I believe concepts of love and intimacy have changed over the years, and more equality has been proven among couples, sharing their individual wants and needs about love, sex, and intimacy. Will men always be seen to only gain pleasure from sex out of a relationship? #S344UOW20 #Tut4 #Fri1230

A pure relationship I find myself in the same one described by Jamieson (1999) which is entered by two individuals for the sake of not only sustained association but also the want for attainment. Also both me and my partner have continued to deliver enough satisfaction for each other to stay within this pure relationship leading to marriage (Jamieson, 1999). Following on from that it's the ideal of freedom that allows this pure relationship and pure love of mine to be legalised (Illouz, 2012). Historically only articulated as a political right and then into legislation an example being the Australian government's plebiscite and vote on legalise same sex marriage and subsequent yes vote by the majority of the population that then made legalising seem not only politically justified by also practical and moral which are consequences of freedom and also necessities to freedom in this arena (Illouz, 2012). In reference to my love personally I owe a debt of gratitude to twentieth century feminist movements that impacted and aided in breaking down political, economic and sexual spheres dominated by masculine ideals. Historically entrenched and enshrined that largely impacted my own ability to attain the freedom I have to now be in this pure relationship and pure love because of masculinities dominant influence on religious, political, practical and moral consequences of being in a same sex relationships (Illouz E. 2012). What is love to me on a deeper level aside from political & moral influence in practicality reflecting on my own experience it's not just just a basic drive like hunger, thirst or sleep (Aron and Aron, 1991) (Felmlee & Sprechler, 2006). It interlocks with (Jamieson L. 1999) concept of a pure relationship in that there is a continuity and a motivational state in which the main goal is to promote and preserve the well being of the valued object and in my example it would be my husband (Felmlee & Sprechler, 2006) (Rempel & Burris,2005). From a sociological perspective in regards to love and reflecting on my own perspective of love,is the study of love important only to the well-being of individuals or also society as a whole and it's progress as a whole? Should it be seen as essential for the role it plays in societal progress? (Felmlee & Sprechler, 2006) #S344UOW20 #Tut4 #Fri1230 Aron, Arthur, and Elaine N. Aron. 1991. "Love and Sexuality." Pp. 25-48 in Sexuality in Close Relationships, edited by K. McKinney and S. Sprecher. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum. Attachment, Attunement, Attraction: 24 kinds of “love’. viewed 15th April Felmlee, D and Sprechler, S (2006) Chapter 17, ‘Love’, in in J. Stets and J. Turner, Handbook of the Sociology of Emotions, New York, NY, pp. 389-409. Jamieson L. 1999. Intimacy Transformed? A Critical Look at the `Pure Relationship.' Sociology. pp 1-20. Rempel, John K., and Christopher T Bums. 2005. "Let Me Count the Ways: An Integrative Theory of Love and Hate." Personal Relationships vol. 12. pp.297-313.

I am particularly interested in Giddens idea of ‘plastic sexuality’, described in Jamieson’s article as involving “women finding sexual pleasure in ways that are not dictated by men” (1999, p. 479). While this explanation does not cover the entirety of the concept, the idea of intimacy – and romance – not being intrinsically tied to men is something that has shaped my view of love in the current era, as a Queer woman. I think the separation of love as something purely heteronormative is significant for two main reasons: power and the search for a ‘pure relationship’. In relation to power, studies show that “men exercise more power than women” (Jamieson 1999, p. 484) within heteronormative relationships. Looking at the idea of ‘pure relationships’, ‘plastic sexuality’ is evident in modern society through the rapid exposure of Queer identities and the formation of new labels within the Queer community. In this age of online dating, being aware that a woman’s options extend further than just men allows for a more productive search for the ‘pure relationship’. This can, of course, also be applied to men and non-binary people and other gender identifying people. Has the integration of Queerness into heteronormative societies had an impact on how you view love and intimacy?

The impact of late modernity upon society has changed how love, sexuality, and intimacy are approached by people in contemporary times, transforming from the stifled expressions and societal expectations associated with traditional experiences of love to more flexible freedoms and choices allowed for in modern experiences. Giddens discusses how late modernity and its encouragement for individualisation have allowed for the development of plastic sexuality and the pure relationship, in which people are no longer constrained by the restraints of traditional norms and binaries and can now have more choice and freedom in pursuing love and intimacy. This can be exemplified with the idea of serial monogamy in dating, in which people can enter into a string of relationships one after the other and choose partners through which they can both gain sufficient benefits and emotional and physical satisfaction from, with the relationship ending when the relationship no longer satisfies either or both partners. Love and intimacy are culturally constructed and as such, notions and ideals surrounding these emotions will change as social zeitgeists and structures change, and this can be seen with the increased acceptability of LGTBQ+ people within modern society compared to traditional conservative views, which have allowed for increased acceptability of LGBTQ+ love and relationships.

Personally, being in love and loved in return is one of the most wonderful parts of my life. Although I was convinced I experienced love before my current relationship, I realised what I had experienced prior was what Scheff T. (2003) alluded to as a romantic love and thrived off self benefits. The love I have found now however, to me, aligns with the concept of a pure relationship (Jamieson L. 1999). There is attraction, attenuation and attachment (Scheff T. 2003) alongside a sense of transparency, enjoyment and trust through mutual disclosure (Jamieson L. 1999). The three a’s are all considered to involve intense feelings which can be experienced singularly or combined. The aspect of attraction however is what differentiates the love you experience with family and friends compared to someone you are intimate with. These feelings and intensity are subject to each individual and are influenced by many factors including social context and childhood trauma (Scheff T. 2003). My understanding of the ability to love is determined by the individuals perspective on others, life and self development journey. I agree with Jamieson L (1999) that freedom has become a quintessential trademark of modernity distress creating ontological insecurity and meaninglessness. This is particularly evident in social norms in regards to sex and the expectations surronding this. Movies, music culture, social media and advertisements are more commonly than not include sexual undertones or desires. The pornification and sexual freedom has created an illusion of unlimited choice and accessibility to fulfil fantasies (Illouz E. 2012). Potentially being a driving factor behind the increasing rates of men unwilling to commit to a monogamous relationship. I do believe that the majority of men do expose themselves to the idea of unlimited desire and fantasy however it is normally short lived and found to have no substance or sense of purpose or little satisfaction. Men therefore I believe still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship and find a love that is worth spending a lifetime fighting for. Will the government or public health system ever enforce porn websites to shut down and for the sexualisation of women to be stopped? Or will this only get worse in the rise of technology? #S344UOW20 #Tut4 #Fri1230 Illouz E. 2012. Commitment phobia and the new architecture of romantic choice. Why love Hurts:A sociological Explanation. pp 59-108. Jamieson L. 1999. Intimacy Transformed? A Critical Look at the `Pure Relationship.' Sociology. pp 1-20. Scheff T. 2003. Attachment, Attunement, Attraction: 24 kinds of “love’. viewed 14th April